WAWINDAJI WAWILI

Kuna jamaa wawili,walikwen­da kuwinda, mmoja alikuwa mtaalamu wa kulenga mwingine wa kuchuna, mtaalam wa kuchuna alibaki garini na mwenzake akashuka kuwinda.
Ile anakatiza kichakani mara Simbahuyoooo!o Ikabidi jamaa aanze kukimbia vibaya mno huku akipiga kelele fungua fungua......!?
Mwenzake akafungua mlango wa gari, jammer anakaribia mlangoni huku Simba akiwa nyuma, Simba akamrukia, bahati mbaya jamaa akaanguka chini, Simba akajikuta ndani ya gari, jamaa akaamka haraka akafunga mlango na kumwambia mwenzake..''ANZ­A KUMCHUNA NAKWENDA KULETA MWINGINE''...

TAZAMA HILI BALAA:

Mwalimu kaingia class akiwa na daftari la nukuu, akafunua na kuanza kuandka ubaoni:
Mchele 34,000/=
Unga 26,000/=
Maharage 15000/= Pango 150,000/=
Karo 250,000/=
Mafuta 20,000/=
Mangi Dukani 30,000/=
SACCOS 55,000/=
Mshahara 244,000/= Alipokaa tu akashtuka "Ahaa nimeandika
madeni badala ya
zoezi, Mungu wangu!" Akaanza kufuta Watoto wakapiga kelele
"MWALIMU HATUJAMALIZAAA"

VICHAA WAWILI

Kulikuwa na vichaa wawili wakisimuliana jinsi walivyoota ndoto
Kichaa wa 1: NIMEOTA NIMEENDA MAREKANI
kichaa wa 2: Sasa mwenzio nimeota nimefanya sherehe kubwa basi tukala mipilau,mikuku biriani, na
vinywaji kibao
Kichaa wa1: mh! Unatabia mbaya hata kunikaribisha mwenzio
Kichaa wa 2: SASA WE SI ULIKUWA MAREKANI NINGEKUKARIBISHAJE?

MAMA NA MTOTO WAKE

Mama na mtoto wake wapo kwenye taxi.Wakapita mtaa wakaona wanawake telee wamejipanga barabrani. Mtoto akaauliza "hawa nani?" mama akajibu "hao ni wake wanawasubiri waume zao watoke makazini.

 Dereve taxi akarukia "Sii umwambie mtoto ukweli. Hao ni machangudo wanauza miili yao kwa ajili ya
ngono!" Mtoto akastaajabu sana, akauliza "Dah!sasa mama kama hao badae watoto wao wanakuwa wanafannya kazi gani?"
 Mama kwa hasira akajibu "Wanakuwa madereva wa taxi!"

SMOKE CONVERSATION

LADY: Do you smoke?
MAN: Yes
LADY: How many packs a day?
MAN: 3 packs
LADY: How much per pack
MAN: £10.00
LADY: And how long have you been smoking?
MAN: 15 years
LADY: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
MAN: Correct
LADY: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
MAN: Correct
LADY: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
MAN: Do you smoke?
LADY: No
MAN: Where's your Ferrari
then?

MWALIMU MKUU NI NOMAA

Mwalimu mkuu wa skuli ya msingi X alipewa barua kutoka wizarani,

"Tunakuamuru ufunge skuli yako kwasababu haina vyoo. Hivyo basi,mpaka utakapo chimba ndio
masomo yaendelee. Kwa ajili yaafya". Mwalimu alipoona barua akatikisa kichwa halafu akawajibu
kwa swali moja tu!: "Kwani hawa wanafunzi wamekuja KUNYA au wamekuja KUSOMA??"

MAPENZI SIJUI YAKOJE?!!!

Wanaume karibia wote ambao ni Good Looking,wasafi nini,profile picture mashallah,ndevu zimepigwa 'O',ni Maplayer na Hawajali mapenzi...Wale wasio na haiba na mvuto kwa nje,ndio wenye mahaba niue,wako Real na upendo wa dhati na wanacare...Sasa chagua moja,ujivishe Ngata ubebe mzigo wa misumari ukubali kutoka na Player kisa ana mvuto,huku ukijipa mahope kwamba eti Utambadilisha na Kumtuliza ambayo ni ndoto kama kukuta changudoa bikra,au uweke Udiva pembeni kujifanya unapenda mahandsome wenye dimples ili uwaringishie mashosti,''This is my Guy'' ujitome mzimamzima kwa jamaa mwenye sura kama yangu hapa,sura kama umepokea taarifa ya msiba lakini mwenye mahaba tele kwako!
Najua madiva hamuwezi,mnapenda sana Show-Off na ndo maana mnalizwa deile,mnakimbilia sura,bajeti zenu za leso kwa mwaka ni kubwa kuliko bajeti ya Baby Powder!

SWALI LA KIZUSHI !!!

Mwanamke m1 alimwomba mpangaji mwenzie wa kiume ndoo ya kuogea baada ya kumaliza kuoga akamrudishia jamaa ndoo yake.

Baada ya muda dada akakumbuka
alisahau chupi yake kwenye ile ndoo akarudi kwa jamaa ili achukue chupi yake.

Jamaa akamwambia aingie ndani
akachukue wakati, anatoka ndani kwa msela na mume wake anatoka job na kumuona mkewe anatoka geto kwa msela huku ameshika chupi mkononi.......

je ingekua ww ungefanyaje?

HEBU VUTA PICHA,

Ni asubuhi unaamka halafu unakuta umevalishwa pete ya dhahabu kidole cha pili kisha kwenye mto ipo karatasi ina ujumbe unaosomeka:-

"NAKUPENDA SANA KWA PENZIi ULILONIPA UCKU WA LEO NA NIKAAMUA BORA NIKUVISHE HIYO PETE , Ni mm nikupendae "POPOBAWA"

Ama kweli UALIMU kazi ya wito

MWANAFUNZI mmoja hajui kujumlisha+ wala kutoa-
Mwalim katumia njia zote
kumuelimisha lakin wapi Ikabidi
ajaribu njia hii
Mwl: Kwenu mnafuga nin
Mwnfz: Kuku na mbuzi.
Mwl: Mbuzi mnao wangapi?
Mwnfz: 25
Mwl: Mbuzi 25 toa mbuz 5 watabaki
wangapi?
Mwnfz: Unawajua mbuz we2, au unawackia?
Ukimtoa mmoja tu wote wanatoka.
Mwl: mmh! naacha kazi

((((((I HURT MY MOM!!)))))) STORY FUPI ZENYE MAFUNZO MAISHANI

Mama yangu alikuwa na jicho moja, nilikuwa namchukia sana, kwa ufupi alikuwa kero sana kwangu. Mama alikuwa mpishi katika shule niliyokuwa nasoma, ilikuwa ni shule iliyojengwa maalumu kwa ajili ya watoto yatima. Pengine waweza kujiuliza kwa nini nilikuwa nasoma pale wakati nilikuwa na wazazi? Ukweli ni kwamba baba yangu alikuwa amefariki miaka mingi wakati mie bado mtoto mchanga. Mama aliomba kazi ya upishi katika shule ile ili apate pesa za kunitunzia mimi wakati huo maana baada ya kufariki baba ndugu walimpora mali zake zote na kumfukuza katika nyumba yake, hivyo ndiyo sababu iliyopelekea mama kuomba kazi ya upishi katika shule ile ili apate kujikimu kimaisha. Kama nilivyokwambia hapo awali kwamba kutokana na jinsi alivyokuwa mama nilikuwa simpendi kabisa. Mama yangu yeye alikuwa ananipenda sana na alijitahidi kunipenda sana lakini sikujali hayo, kwani alikuwa ananikera sana na ile hali ya kuwa na jicho moja.

Mama alikuwa ananitembelea kila mara wakati wa mapumziko alikuwa akijisikia raha sana kuniona mwanae nikiwa ana furaha wakati wote, lakini tofauti na hapo nilikuwa nakosa amani sana kila alipokuwa akitokea tu. Basi mama wakati mwingine ilimbidi asije kunisalimia maana alikuwa hapendi kuniudhi. Siku moja baada ya juma moja kupita mama alikuja kunitembelea na kutaka kunijulia hali, nilipomwaona tu nikakunja sura kuonyesha kukasirishwa na ule ujio wake. Nikawaza moyoni mwangu na kusema “Hivi huyu mwanamke kwa nini ananifanyia hivi?” ina maana yeye anajisikia raha kunikosesha amani. Mama aliponiona tu alitabasamu na kunifuata ….. mmoja kati ya wanafunzi wangu alicheka na kusema “ Eeeee muone mama yakooo ana jicho moja” Maneno yale yalizidi kuongeza kichwani mwangu nilitamani ardhi ipasuke niingie na inifunike. Na wakati mwingine nilitamani mama atoweke kabisa nisimuone maishani mwangu. Mama aliposogea karibu yangu nilimtwanga swali “Hivi wewe mwanamke unanipenda kweli?” mama yangu akajibu “Ndioo mwanangu nakupenda sana tena zaidi ya sana kwani wewe ni mtoto wangu pekee na sina mtoto mwingine zaidi yako, wewe ni lulu moyoni mwangu na dhahabu machoni pangu na wewe ndio furaha ya maisha yangu” kwa hasira huku nikifoka nikamwambia kama kweli unanipenda kwa nini usife ili mimi nikawa na raha hapa duniani?. Mama yangu hakujibu kitu kwa wakati ule….

Akaamua kuondoka machoni pangu kimya kimya! Mimi wala sikuona kama lile lilikuwa kosa na wala sikufikilia na wala sikupata walau hata nukta moja ya kutafakari nini ninachokifanya, sababu nilikuwa nina hasira sana. Ukweli nilikuwa sitambui mawazo yake mama na nilikuwa sijui nini mama anavyowaza juu yangu. Na kwa vile sikuwa na lakumfanya kwa wakati ule baada ya yeye kutoka mle ndani nami nikatoka nje huku nikiwa na mawazo sana. Nilikuwa nasoma kwa bidii sana, na baada ya mtihani wa mwisho nikapata bahati ya kuchaguliwa kuendelea na masomo ya juu jijini Dar es salaam. Hivyo kwa nguvu ya shule nilisafirishwa kutoka Mbeya mpaka dar, mama alinipatia pesa za matumizi pindi nitakapokuwa dar! Kwa jinsi alivyokuwa ananipenda alinipa mshahara wake wa miezi mitano, kumbe alikuwa ananitunzia hata kabla matokeo hayajatoka. Nilifurahi sana ingawa sikumshukuru lakini mama hilo hakujali alifurahi sana vile ambavyo nilipokea zile pesa kisha akanitakia safari njema. Nilipofika dar nikaendelea na masomo yangu kama kawaida. Kwa bahati pia nikafauru vizuri kisha nikaajiliwa Serikalini, Maisha yangu yalikuwa mazuri sana. Nilijenga nyumba nzuri ya kifahari nikanunua gari ya kutembelea ilikuwa gari aina ya Land cruzer mayai.

Sio siri maisha yangu yalikuwa mazuri sana. Baadaye nikaamua kuoa mke, tukazaa watoto watatu, familia yangu ilikuwa na furaha sana, sikuacha kuwasiliana na walimu wangu wa mbeya katika ile shule ya watoto yatima niliyokuwa nikisoma hapo awali, na kwa vile kwa wakati huo nilikuwa na pesa za kutosha nilikuwa natuma misaada katika shule ile. Ila mama sikuwahi kutuma hata shilingi kumi. Kwani nilikuwa natamani afe ili asiendelee kunitia aibu. Mama baada ya kupata habari kuwa mwanae maisha yangu yamekuwa mazuri na pia alisikia kuwa nimeoa na pia nimezaa watoto alifurahi sana na alitamani sana kuwaona wajukuu zake. Kwa wakati huu mama yangu alikuwa ameanza kuzeeka na aliamua kuacha kazi yake ya upishi katika ile shule. Pamoja na kuwa alikuwa ni wanamke aliweza kujijengea kakibanda ka kujisitiri na kwa vile alikuwa ameitumikia shule kwa muda mrefu hawakuacha kumtunza, pia waliendelea kumpa mshahara wake kama kawaida maisha yakawa yanasonga. Kwa upande wangu sikutaka hata kusikia habari zake. Siku moja mama akaamua kunifuata Dar, ili walau awaone wajukuu zake na hata mie mwanaye kwani alikuwa hajaniona zaidi ya miaka ishirini na mbili hivi, akapanda basi na kuja dar kwa bahati alipofika dar alimpata msamalia mmoja aliyeweza kumsitiri kama mjuavyo jiji la dar jinsi lilivyo na zamani ilikuwa kutoka mbeya hadi dar unatumia siku mbili na kwa vile alikuwa amefika usiku hakujua ni wapi aelekee.

Siku iliyofuata aliamua kunitafuta kwa kuulizia na kwa vile mimi nilishakuwa mtu maarufu sana hakupata shida kuipata nyumba yangu. Alipofika Getini alibisha hodi, na mlinzi baada ya kumhoji na kupata maelezo alimruhusu aingie, alipokuwa akikaribia mlango wangu, niliwasikia watoto wangu wakipiga kelele huku wakimcheka mama yangu na kusema “Heee! Cheki hicho kibibi kizee chongo kimekuja kwenye birthday party ya baba bila kualikwa” kusikia hivyo nkatoka nje na nikamuona mama akija wakati huu alionyesha wazi kuwa alikuwa mdhaifu! Ingawa hatukuonana kwa muda mrefu sana, sikuwa na hata chembe ya kumkumbuka. Nilifoka na kumwambia “ We kizee wewe unathubutuje kuja humu ndani na kuwashitua watoto wangu? Hauna hata haya tafadhari sana naomba uondoke haraka hapa.” Tokaaa!! Mama aliniangalia kwa huruma sana huku machozi yakimlengalenga katika macho yake, kisha akasema “Samahani kijana wangu nimekosea nyumba aliyenielekeza alinielekeza vibaya! Naomba unisamehe sana! Akageuka na kuanza kuondoka, haimaanishi kuwa hakunitambua alifanya vile ili kuuridhisha moyo wangu!.. hivyo akatoweka machoni pangu wala kuumia moyo kwa mama sikupata shida. Mama alikwenda moja kwa moja stendi ya mabasi kukata ticketi ya kurudi mbeya. Wakati ule ilikuwa manazi mmoja.

Akalala kwenye basi kesho yake akaanza safari ya kurudi Mbeya. Siku moja nilipokea barua kutoka katika ile shule niliyokuwa nikisoma ya watoto yatima, wakinihitaji niende huko kulikuwa na sherehe iliyoandaliwa ya kuwakutanisha wanafunzi wote waliosoma miaka ya nyuma ambao wamekuwa bega kwa bega katika kuisaidia shule ile. Kwa hiyo hata mie nilikuwa mmoja wao, na kwa vile nilijua kuwa nakwenda ni nyumbani sikutaka mke wangu amfahamu mama yangu na pia sikutaka mke wangu ajue kuwa nilisoma shule ya watoto yatima hivyo nikamuaga kuwa naenda Mbeya kikazi kwani siku zote mke wangu nilimwambia kuwa mie ni mzaliwa wa Dar na sina ndugu kabisa wazazi wangu wote wawili walifariki zamani sana. Siku iliyofuata nikaanza safari yangu kuelekea nyumbani kwetu mbeya, wakati huu nilikuwa nawaza jinsi ambavyo ningepokelewa kwa furaha pale shuleni lakini nilikuwa napata shida sana kwamba naenda kukutana na mama yangu ambaye alikuwa kero sana kwangu. Sikumpenda sana mama yangu hasa kwa lile tatizo lake la kuwa na jicho moja. Nilifika salama mbeya na kwa vile nilikuwa nimetumia usafiri wangu nilifika mapema kabisa, nikaenda katika moja ya nyumba za kulala wageni iliyokuwa bora sana nyumba yenyewe ilikuwa ikiitwa Mount Livingstone Hotel. Basi kama ilivyo ada nikaamka asubuhi na kujiandaa tayari kwenda kwenye sherehe.

Nilipofika kwenye sherehe kulikuwa na maclassmet kibao walikuwa wamefika pale na pia walikuwa na wake zao na hata wale waliokuwa ni madada zetu walikuwa wamekuja na waume zao, pamoja na hayo yote walikuwa wamekuja na wazazi wao karibu kila mmoja alikuwa na mzazi japo mmoja. Kwa upande wangu nilikuwa peke yangu, zaidi sana nilikuwa nimeambatana na dereva wangu tu. Lakini halikunipa shida hilo na nilikuwa nimeshukuru sana mama yangu kutokuwepo pale kwenye sherehe. Sio siri sherehe ilikuwa imefana sana na ilikuwa ni ya aina yake. Baada ya sherehe tukaendelea kusalimiana na wale wazee wa pale kijijini wote tukiwa na furaha sana. Baadaye akaja yule mama aliyekuwa rafiki yake na mama yangu akaniambia “pole sana mwanangu kwa msiba wa mama yako” Msiba wa mama? Nilimtwanga swali kuonekana kana kwamba nimeshituka, ingawa nilijua wazi yule mama alikuwa anajua tabia yangu na yale yote niliyokuwa nikimtendea mama yangu! Yule mama akasema “ndioo mama yako alikufa mwezi week mbili zilizopita ina maana hukupata taarifa? Nikamjibu sikupata taarifa. Basi tuakaendelea na mazungumzo mengine, ila kusema ukweli ile taarifa ilinifurahisha moyoni mwangu nikajua kuwa kero yangu sasa imekwisha. Hata hivyo mwisho wa mazungumzo yule rafiki wa mama yangu aliniita pembeni na kuniomba niambatane naye kwenda nyumbani kwake, nami bila hiyana nikakubali kwenda.

Tulipofika nyumbani kwake aliingia chumbani kwake na kutoka na barua akanipatia ile barua na kuniambia kuwa mama yangu alisema anipatie mimi….. Nilipokea ile barua kuanza kuisoma ilikuwa imeandikwa hivi:- Kwa Mwanangu Kipenzi, Nimekuwa nikikuwazia wewe wakati wote, sababu nakupenda sana, Naomba unisamehe sana kwa kuwatisha watoto wako siku ile niliyokuwa nimekuja kwako Dar, naomba nisamehe sana mwanangu, nisamehe sana. Nimepata furaha sana kusikia kuwa utakuja huku kwenye sherehe ya shule yenu, lakini najua kuwa sitakuwepo kwenye sherehe hiyo, kwani sipendi kukukwaza mwanangu. Ila mwanangu najua nimekukwaza kwa muda mrefu lakini haikuwa malengo yangu ilikuwa ni kwa sababu ya upendo niliokuwa nao kwako na vile nilivyopata tabu sana kukupata kwani wewe ndiwe mtoto wangu wa pekee. Sikia mwanangu…… nataka ufahamu haya… Wakati ukiwa angali bado mdogo ulipata ajali na kupoteza jicho lako moja na mimi kama mama yako sikupenda kukuona mwanangu ukikua huku ukiwa na jicho moja hivyo nikaamua kutoa jicho langu moja na kukuwekea wewe, ili ukue huku ukifurahia ulimwengu huu mpya ukitumia kiungo changu ambalo ndiyo jicho nililo kupatia. Nilikupenda sana mwanangu nab ado nakupenda sana! Ni mimi mama yako!! Mwisho!.. NB: Ni stori tu ila kuna watu wana tabia za kuwadharau wazazi hususani mama zao naomba kwa hali yoyote ile mpende mama yako, hakuna aliye kama mama hapa Duniani!!! Nampenda sana mama yangu

FRIENDS CHANGE TIME AFTER TIME

Usiwe na Mashaka na Hofu unapopoteza rafikia au Marafiki ..Mungu huwa anakupa marafiki fulani kwa kipindi fulani maalum ili wakusaidie wewe kupita kwenye kipindi hicho..Ukivuka hiyo stage anakupa marafiki wengine ambao ni specific kwa stage mpya uliopo..Usiforce rafiki wa Stage 1 abakie kwenye Stage 2 kama he is not meant to stay..Let him go,ha-fit kwenye purpose!..Ndio maana kuna mtu alikuwa besti sana shule lakini sasa hv hayupo tena,kuna mtu kaletwa kwa stage hii...

Divai mpya haiwezi kuwekwa kwenye kiriba kikuu-kuu,lazima kitapasuka...Ukiforce Old friend awepo kwenye new life kuna mambo mawili,aidha You loose ur Purpose ya Mungu kukuweka kwenye hiyo Stage au you loose that friend ili Purpose yako iwe accomplished...Say goodbye to all friends who block ur Purpose to be accomplished and let God give you the right people to help you reach your destiny...

KWA WANAWAKE WENYE AKILI, KAMA HUNA AKILI USISOME

Kama kuna mwanaume amekuacha bila sababu yoyote ya msingi,au ametafuta kasababu ka kijingajinga tu ili abreak up,amepata mwanamke mwingine.Ukaumia,ukalia,ukapona,ukapata mtu mkaanzisha mbingu yenu yenye amani na raha,GHAFLA yule furushi aliyekuacha anaanza kurudi,mara akosee message, atume kwako,mara anajikomba kuomba msamaha kurudi baada ya kuona kule mambo sio,eti shetani alimpitia,kwani siku hizi Shetani ana gari hadi ampitie yeye tu?KAMWE usilambe matapishi.
Usikubali kugeuzwa ARV,vile vidonge,ili umuongezee maisha yeye baada ya kukumbana na virusi vya kuachika huko alikokimbilia kwa mbwembwe.Mwanaume ni msimamo,kama alikuacha kwa sababu,ukikubali kumrudia tena ipo siku atapata sababu tena ya kukuacha na utaumia mara mbili...

UKITAKA KUMJUA MSICHANA AMBAEHAKUTAKI,HAYA NDIO MAJIBU YAKE

1.Baby 2taongea badae,nna kazi nyng
2.Jamani honey ckuweza kupokea cm nilikua kwenye kelele.
3.Sweety cna credit,that's why cjajibu sms yako.
4.2ko discussion,ntakubep badae dear.
5.Cm haikua & chaji jamani (hapo alikuzimia cm).
6.Nipo na kaka yangu,ucpige sim.
7.Naumwa,kesho ha2wezi kuonana.
8.Room mtu wangu anamgeni,ucje leo.
9.Nipo safarin,ntakutafuta badae (kwa saut ya chini).

"SOMA HII KI2 UFURAHI KIDOGO"

Jamaa alipeleka gari lake kwa fundi lipakwe rangi!
Fundi akauliza lipakwe rangi gani?
Jamaa akasema yeyote isipokuwa nyekundu, nyeupe, bluu, njano, kijani wardi, nyeus, chocketi, kijivujivu, maziwa, zambarau, orange na nyingi nyengnezo akazitaja!
Lini nije kulichukua gari langu?
Fundi akamjibu "Njoo cku yoyote icpokuwa Jumatatu, Jumanne, Jumatano, Alhamis Ijumaa, J'mosi wala jumapili!

YUPI MKALI

Wachungaji 3 walikutana waelezane matatizo yao ili waweze kuombeana wa kwanza akasema jamani mimi tatizo langu wizi yaani kila nikimaliza ibada lazima niibe hela za sadaka,Wapili akasema jaman mimi tatizo langu napenda wanawake yaani kila mwanamke nataka kulala nae nimeshatembea na wanakwaya wote,Watatu badala ya kuongea akaanza kulia wenzie wakamuuliza unalia nini? Akajibu, "jamani mimi tatizo langu umbea yaani haya yote tuliyoongea lazima nikaseme"!

AIIIIIIIIIIII MWANAMKE LAZMA ADANGANYWE

...daaa kuna demu mmoja nilimdanganyaga naxoma chuo IFM kumbe na yy anasoma pale pale
Kesho yake asubuhi na mapema akaja kunipitia twende chuo akamkuta mama

Demu......shikamoo mama
Mama cox......marahaba binti hujambo
Demu......sijambo mama nimemkuta cox dawa yao
Mama cox.....ndo nan huyo mbna mm simjui alikuambia anakaa hapa?
Demu......ndiyo ni mkaka mmoja hivi mfupi ana kichwa kikubwa anapenda sana kuvaa tishet ya voda
Mama cox.....ahaaa huyo ni mwanangu anaitwa CHOGO NDIZI sio COX DAWA YAO hilo jina kakudanganya una shida naye??
Demu....duuu ndiyo nimempitia twende chuo
Mama cox.....uwww chuo gani tena kashakudanganya yupo chuo muongo yule mwanangu kashazoea kudanganya wanawake anawapa sana mimba watoto wa watu hana lolote hasomi wala nn tumempeleka chuo cha ufundi cherehani kakataa sasa hivi anatengeneza baiskeli mbele hapo
Demu ....daaa kweli mama
Mama cox....twende nkupeleke anapotengenezea baiskeli

Daaa mama kamleta hadi kilingeni demu kanikuta naziba pancha nimetupa tairi nimetoka nduki sina hamu aisee nimelia sana mama kaniharibia demu kanitukana sana kwenye simu daaa

WATANZANIA KWA KUPENDA SIFA.

Mtanzania, Mnyarwanda, na Mkenya walikamatwa na madawa ya kulevya China. Wakaambiwa adhabu ni mbili kifo au adhabu nyingine ambayo wakiishindwa pia wanauawa. Wakaomba wapewe hiyo adhabu nyingine wajaribu bahati yao. Wakapelekwa msituni wakaambiwa waingie msituni kila mmoja kwa njia yake halafu kila mmoja arudi na matunda kumi ya kufanana. Wakaingia msituni kila mtu njia yake. Mnyarwanda akarudi wa kwanza. Karudi na maepo kumi. Akaambiwa adhabu ni kuyameza yote mazima mazima moja baada ya jingine bila kufumba macho bila kulia wala kucheka wala kujitikisa! Akameza la kwanza. Safi. Kumeza la pili akashindwa kuvumilia akafumba macho. Akapigiwa risasi akafa.
Wa pili Mkenya akaja. Ana vitunda vidogo vidogoo. Kumi. Vya kufanana. Vidogo kama pipi. Akaambiwa masharti. Akaanza kula bila kufumbua macho wala kulia wala nini. Alipofika cha tisa akashindwa kuvumilia akaangua kicheko! Akapigwa risasi pia akafa. Wakiwa kuzimu Mnyarwanda akamuuliza Mkenya.. "Vipi wewe mbona ulishindwa kuvumilia wakati ulibakisha kitunda kimoja tu?" Mkenya akajibu: "Kaka, nilishindwa kuzuia kicheko maana nilimwona Mtanzania anakuja na matikiti maji!".....

FAIDA YA KUMFAGILIA MUPENZI WAKO KWA MAMBO YA NDANI NA YA NJE ANAYOKUFANYIA!

mengi mazuri ambayo huenda mpenzi wako aliwahi kukufanyia, je uliwahi kumshukuru kwa kukufanya ufarijike? Naamini Mungu amekujaalia kuwa na mpenzi mzuri, mwenye kila sifa ambayo
ulitamani awe nayo, je ulishawahi kumsifia hata kwa kumwambia ni mzuri?
Huenda ulishawahi kufanya hivyo lakini kwa taarifa yako wapo ambao wanahisi kufanya hivyo eti ni ulimbukeni. Ulimbukeni? Kumsifia mpenzi wako unaona ni ulimbukeni wakati wataalam wa masuala ya mapenzi wanaeleza kuwa, wanawake ni watu wanaopenda kusifiwa sana hata kwa madogo wanayoyafanya?
Unaona hatari gani kumsifia mpenzi wako kuwa ni mzuri? Unadhani unatumia nguvu gani kumsifia mpenzi wako kutokana na mahaba mazito anayokupata? Kwa taarifa yako unaweza kuona ni kitu kidogo sana lakini
madhara yake kwenye penzi ni makubwa.Kumsifia mpenzi wako kwa yale anayokufanyia kuna faida nyingi sana lakini kwa leo nitagusia chache Kwanza kunaongeza mapenzi. 
Mume/mke anaposifiwa kuwa anajua mapenzi hata kama si kwa kiwango kikubwa, anafarijika sana. Unapomwambia mpenzi wako: ‘Dear nashukuru kwa mapenzi uliyonipa jana, umenipa furaha ya ajabu ambayo siamini kama kuna mtu mwingine wa kunipa, nakupenda sana’. Maneno kama haya hutumii
nguvu wala muda mwingi kuyafikisha kwa mpenzi wako lakini uzito wake ni mkubwa. Kwanza anajihisi aliyekamilika kwa kufikia hatua ya kufanya mambo yakamridhisha mpenzi wake na kwa mazingira hayo anaamini huwezi kumsaliti. Hisia hizo zitamfanya azidi kukupenda. Hilo ni kwa wote yaani kwa mwanaume na mwanamke. Lakini pia unapomsifia mpenzi wako kwa yale anayokufanyia, unamfanya aongeze kasi ya
kukufanyia ili nawe uzidi kumpenda. Kwa mfano, unapokutana na mpenzi wako kisha ukamwambia ‘umependeza kweli mpenzi wangu, nazidi kukupenda kwa unavyovaa’. Mtu anayeambiwa maneno haya
atajitahidi sana siku zote aonekane nadhifu na wa kuvutia kwa mpenzi wake akijua kwamba, akivaa ilimradi kuvaa hatamfurahisha mpenzi wake. Kwa maana hiyo kumsifia mpenzi wako kunamfanya azidi kuwa bora. Lakini kusifia kusiwe kwa kinafiki. Usimsifie mpenzi wako eti ili kumfanya ajione bora kumbe katika uhalisia siyo hivyo.
 Tusifiane pale inapobidi huku tukijua kuwa kwa kufanya hivyo tutapata faida. Tusiwe na tabia ya kuchukulia poa kila tunachofanyiwa na wapenzi wetu. Kama kakuridhisha kimapenzi, msifie kwamba yeye ni muhimu kwako kwa kuwa amekupa ulichotarajia. Amekupikia chakula kizuri, msifie kuwa yeye ni mpishi mzuri. Hiyo italinogesha penzi na utashangaa kila siku inayokwenda kwa Mungu penzi lenu linachanua.
Lakini mbali na hayo, unatakiwa kuridhika kwa kile unachokipata kutoka kwa huyo mpenzi wako ulinaye kwa sasa. Najua kwenye uhusiano wengi tumetoka mbali. Wapo waliowahi kuwa na wapenzi zaidi ya mmoja huko nyuma na kila mmoja alikuwa na kiwango chake cha kukuridhisha. 
Inawezekana kuna ambaye unamkumbuka kwa mapenzi mazito aliyokuwa anakupa zaidi ya huyo uliyenaye. Hiyo ni historia, imepita! Kama huyo uliyenaye si mtaalam sana wa kukufikisha pale unapopata, ridhika na hicho kidogo unachokipata endapo atakuwa anaonesha kukupenda kwa dhati.Mpe moyo, msifiesifie kidogo kwa hiyo furaha kiduchu anayokupa huku ukiamini kuwa, atabadilika kadiri siku zinavyokwenda.
Kumbuka cha msingi katika maisha yetu ni kumpata mtu mwenye mapenzi ya kweli na si kumpata anayeweza kukuridhisha katika mambo kadha wa kadha.

WHY DO MEN LIE???

Hahahahaaaa!!!! Mniruhusu nicheke kwanza....
Girls, you wanna know????
Sababu chache kwanini Wanaume ni waongo hizi hapa:

1. WANAJUA
Uongo wa Mwanaume ni kama muvi...Kabla hajadanganya anapanga angle zote na majibu,ana-anticipate ataongea nn,utamjibuje,utamuuliza nn,na atakujibu nini...Wanawake hamuwezi,huwa mnapanic,na siku zote ukipanic umefeli

2. HATA TUKISEMA KWELI
MNADHANI TUNADANGANYA
Hii ndo ilivyo,na inaudhi...Kwa sababu tunadanganya sana,hata pale tunaposema kweli basi nyie mnatuona wezi...So hakuna maana kusema kweli,bora tuendelee na PHD ya uongo tu-graduate

3. WANAWAKE WANAPENDA UONGO
Japo hawasemi lakini hili tumeliprove,Wanawake ukimwambia uongo ndo anapenda...whether kwa kujua au kwa kutokujua...Ukimwambia ukweli anakuona hamnazo...Ukimwambia Mwanamke kweli Utajuta....Itakuwa ndo wimbo bora wa mwaka...Masimago na Rewind button...Mwaka mzima,ukikosea tu wanarewind ulichokiri..Waulize Wanaume waliowahi kukiri kucheat wakusimulie,wanajuta kwanini walikuwa na mahaba kuliko

4. UONGO KWENYE MAPENZI NI NDIMU KWENYE SUPU
Mapenzi ni sanaa na sayansi....Mapenzi sio engineering! Kama ndimu kwa supu ndivyo Uongo kwenye mahaba...kuna vitu unajua umedanganywa lakini unatolewa macho makavu inabidi uwe mpole..inabaki kama drama,na inaleta ladha flani ambayo ni ngumu kuielezea,japo wanawake wanaweza kuielezea how they feel pale ambapo wanajua wamedanganywa lakini hawana proof kwamba ule ni uongo...Mwanaume anashinda kirahisi...inabakia kama assignment flani hivi kwa Mwanamke kwamba next time lazima awe wise kidogo
kumkamata...Na hiyo ndo ladha yenyewe na vionjo vya mahaba
SISEMI MDANGANYE,ILA NDIMU KIDOGO TU SUPU IPATE KUKUPA HAMU

TAMBUA JINSI YA KUONGEA NA MPENZI WAKO ANAPOKUWA AMEKASIRIKA.

Kwenye mapenzi kuna nyakati za kutofautiana na kukasirishana. Katika hali ya kawaida, kipindi hiki huwa ni cha hatari kwa sababu husababisha ufa mkubwa wa uhusiano na kulifanya penzi kukosa ladha.
Sote tunajua kuwa watu hupigana, huachana, hujeruhiana, hutukanana na hudhalilishana wakiwa na hasira. Hata hivyo, si wote wanaojua wafanye nini wanapoingia kwenye hatua hiyo mbaya.Ndugu msomaji wangu,
hebu jaribu kukumbuka ugomvi mmoja uliotokea kati yako na mpenzi wako na ikiwezekana jikumbushe mlivyoanza! Utabaini kuwa mlianza kama utani na mkajikuta mmefura kwa hasira, mkatwangana makonde, mkatamkiana maneno makali ya kuudhi na pengine mkaamua kuachana. Yote hii ni kwa sababu mlikosa elimu ya mazungumzo. Ingekuwa mmoja wenu hasa yule aliyekuwa wa pili kukasirika anafahamu hatua za kuzungumza na mtu aliyekasirika angechukua jukumu la kutuliza machafuko na kuleta amani kwenye mapenzi.

Zifuatazo ni hatua tano za kuzungumza na mpenzi aliyekasirika:

1. MPUNGUZE MHEMKO
Hasira hujaza kifua, huathiri mzunguko wa damu na ufahamu. Mtu aliyekasirika huwa vigumu kwake kusikiliza au kutazama mambo kwa jicho la tatu. Mwenye hasira huwa hafikirii matokeo yajayo badala yake hutazama zaidi tukio na jinsi ya kupata ushindi, iwe kwa maneno au kwa mapambano. Katika hali ya namna hiyo, mtu mwingine akija na busara za kutaka kumgeuza haraka haraka hawezi kumuelewa. Jambo la muhimu hapo ni kuacha kumwandama, kujibizana naye au kumshawishi akusikilize. Badala yake mpe nafasi ya kusema atakavyo, abwate ajuavyo huku wewe ukimuitikia na kumkubalia lawama zake.“Basi mpenzi mwenye makosa ni mimi.” Kauli za aina hii zitampunguza hasira kwani atajiona mshindi.

2. MSOME SAIKOLOJIA YAKE
Kwa kuwa unamfahamu mpenzi wako kwa kina, itakuwa rahisi kwako kumtambua kuwa amepunguza hasira na kurudi katika hali yake ya kawaida. Ukilifahamu hilo chukua jukumu la kumsoma kisaikolojia ili kujua kama yuko kwenye hali nzuri ya kusikiliza yale uliyotaka kumwambia wakati alipokuwa na hasira.
Zoezi hili linaweza kuchukua saa kadhaa na wakati mwingine hata siku mbili. Lengo ni nini? Ni kupata matokeo sahihi ya kuondoa chuki za mwenza wako na kumfundisha madhara ya kukasirika kwenye uhusiano wenu wa kimapenzi. “Nakupenda sana, lakini juzi uliniumiza, uliniambia mimi malaya kwa kosa ambalo sikulifanya” Bila shaka muda huo atakusikiliza zaidi kuliko ungebishana naye alipokuwa na hasira.

3. MRUHUSU AKUJIBU
Pamoja na kumsoma kisaikolojia na kumwambia kinagaubaga makosa yake, usimzuie kujitetea. Mpe nafasi ya kuzungumzia kilichomkasirisha. “Unaona bado unanitukana, sasa naamini siku ile ulikuwa umedhamiria.” Usisiseme hivyo, mwache ajibu hoja hata kama atakuwa anakukandamiza na kuzidi kujijengea ushindi Mvumilie aoshe ubongo wake.

4. EPUKA MALUMBANO
Kama nilivyosema hapo juu, wapenzi wengine huwa wagumu kuelewa, ni watu wa kuficha udhaifu wao na kutopenda kuonekana wamekosea. Watu wa namna hii unapowarejeshea mazungumzo wanaweza kuhamaki tena. “Kwa hiyo ulikuwa unasemaje… nilifanya ndiyo,… wewe unaamuaje?” Mkifika kwenye hatua kama hiyo usikubali kulumbana naye, muache aseme halafu wewe ingia kwenye hatua ya tano.

5. MUOMBE MSAMAHA
Hata kama atakuwa yeye ndiye mwenye makosa na amekataa kukiri, usijali, chukua jukumu la kumuomba msamaha na kueleza tena nia yako ya kuzungumza ilikuwa ni kuelewana si kugombana. Kumbuka hata kama amekiri kosa, bado unatakiwa kumuomba radhi kwa kurejea yaliyopita.
“Mpenzi inawezekana nikawa nimekuudhi kwa niliyoyasema, nakuomba sana tusameheane.”

Bila shaka kwa haya machache utakuwa umejifunza na kuchukua hatua za kuzuia migogoro
mikubwa inayotokana na hasira za mpenzi wako.

FANTASTIC QUOTES

True love leaves a memory no one can steal and a heartache no one can heal.

Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Being sad with the right people is better than being happy with the wrong ones

Belive that:
God puts people in your life for a reason and
remove them from yor life for a better reason...

Most important time to hold your temper, is when the other person has lost it...!

Be happy. Be yourself. If others dont like it, then let them be. Happiness is a choice. Life isn't about pleasing everybody

The biggest blessings in our life is simply the presence of people who care much, whose love is real & see us much beyond ourselves.

It’s amazing how one word from the
right person can make you feel
better in a second

Your future is created by what you do today, not tomorrow

Find someone who knows that
youre not perfect, but treats you as
if you are.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of
its sorrow, it empties today of its
strength

Boys, don't ever make your girl feel like she is in competition with any other girl

You don't need to unbutton a girls shirt just to get a better view of her heart

I fell in love with the most
unexpected person on the most
unexpected time.

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference

Never trust a person with only one Facebook picture

Beautiful things can happen in your life when you distance yourself from all the negative things

No matter how much pain you have inside, there is always enough reason to survive and move forward in your life’s journey because there is always a beautiful tomorrow with a beautiful promise waiting for us. No matter how much pain you are going through, the real test is when you feel that others pain are more important to you than your own and you try to heal them before thinking about yourself. Selfless help is the purest form of help. That is the way we can be close to God and humanity. When you help someone, you should never think about any conditions, any reasons. Be pure in everything that you do in your life. Please be compassionate towards each other. A few words of kindness could go a very long way.

After Expiry Date,POISON is More Poisonous OR Less Poisonous???

Martin Luther king Jr wrote: Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole stairscase

Sometimes you have to realize some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life

When people lie directly to your face after you've ask for the truth

STOP CRYING OVER SOMEONE WHO PLAYED WITH YOUR DELICATE HEART

"The Person Who Tries To Keep
Everyone Happy Is Always The Most
Lonely Person,
So Never Leave Them Alone Because
They Will Never Say They Need You

Sometimes i can't give words to my stupid feelings!!

Worry does not empty tomorrow of
its sorrow, it empties today of its
strength.

Find someone who knows that
youre not perfect, but treats you as
if you are

It’s amazing how one word from the
right person can make you feel
better in a second.

I fell in love with the most
unexpected person on the most
unexpected time

Life is a game, Play it. Life is a challenge, Meet it. Life is an opportunity, Capture it

You were born to be real, not to be perfect. You are here to be you, not to live someone else's life

I don't understand how people can erase you from their lives ‘cause it’s just easier than working things out.

With God, anyone can be a champion, because He brings out the best in us

Whoever said "words don't hurt" is a liar. Words can rip your heart apart, make you cry and end relationships.

Someday you'll miss her like she missed you. Someday you'll need her like she needed you. Someday you'll love her and she won't love you

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it

3 steps to move on. CTRL + ALT + DEL. Control yourself, look for an alternate solution, and delete the situation that hurts you

Ladies, a man can either upgrade you.. or destroy everything you've ever worked for. Choose wisely

Carry yourself like a queen & you'll attract a king but if you carry yourself like a hoe, see how far you go

God puts people in your life for a reason, and removes them from your life for a better reason. Some people are only in your life to test you, until you stand up and say enough is enough. I am worth more than you offer me. Do not chase people. Be you, do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay

No lady deserves to go through pregnancy alone, because I've never met one woman in my life who got pregnant on her own.
Even if you don't love her still remain by her side and raise that child, because its not about what you owe her; its all about what you owe that child

People ask me why it's so hard to trust people , and I ask them why is it so hard to keep it real.

Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of others, you will never be able to live up to their expectations and it will leave you feeling broken and insecure… Rather see yourself as the beautiful soul God made you to be and know He made you to do great things…

“I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face

Beautiful prayer
God when i lose hope,
Help me to remember that
your love is greater than my disappointments
'n your plan 4 my life are better than my Dreams

He ignores you, but you like him. He does nothing, but you fall for him. You miss him, even though you know he will never care

You have every reason to smile. ..and ...We sometimes under-estimate the influence of the simplest things...Now...­go light up the world with it

What hurts the most is being so close and then all of a sudden becoming so distant

6 Keys to a great relationship: friendship, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding, and communication